why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Randomize
