Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
