Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
