There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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