i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
