I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
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