my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
