Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
