So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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