I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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