I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
false alarm, still single
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
