The best revenge is premature balding
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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