Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
