9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize