No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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