remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
