Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
