I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
