i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
