dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
