That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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