why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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