I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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