I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
