My cat gives me a boner
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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