Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Randomize
