i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
