I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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