we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
