Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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