Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
