Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
