Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize