My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Randomize
