Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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