so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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