what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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