broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
