So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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