I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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