it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You are the jesus of drinking
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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