we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
