It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
