dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
