I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
