went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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