I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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