You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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