I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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