There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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