you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
