oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
