I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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