Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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