I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
