Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
