This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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