I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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