You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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