apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
