I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm too high and old for this...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
