mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize