I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
