Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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