I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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