How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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