I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
