so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
