i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
