why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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